1. Goddamnit I’m thinking again

    So the Akpsi round of scholarships is going out and as I’m reading through the qualifications I can’t help but have my mind wander back to my time with AKPsi..

    Was I a good brother? Did I do all that I could to progress the chapter to new heights? Did I give the chapter the best effort I could afford? Did I give too much?

    How effective was I as a leader? Did I leave a decent legacy?

    See I really don’t care about being important in the chapters eye, I cared about having value. I wanted to be someone of value to the fraternity; someone people could eventually look up to. Did I accomplish that goal?

    Hell, I remember when I first pledged I wanted to be remembered so damn well that pledges would have to write my name down on quizzes. I wanted to be in the record books. Is that important at all?

    I’m 2 years removed from college, and 2 years removed from being a full time brother of my fraternity. Did I accomplish my goals? What are my goals now that I’m no longer a full time brother? It’s really time to move on from the past right? But why should I remove myself as a resource when so many before me have been catalysts to my success?

    Shit like this makes me sit back at my work desk and wonder: did getting this career at Lockheed show that I’ve reached what all pledges strive to reach for? What we promise pledges? We promise them a tenure at college filled with growth, professionalism, and a career to top it off.

    I’ve reached that, I’ve reached that plateau. What now? There has to be more to my life than being an example to others, right?

    I don’t get it. I’ve done what I was supposed to when pledging. I’ve graduated from college, I’ve done well (so far), and shit, I’ve got a career that most people at my age don’t.

    So then why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong?

    I think I just need validation that I’ve led a good life so far. I need validation that I can eventually move on from my past but still be able to help.

    I need to earn this.

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